My Mom died in hospice care very early this morning.
How do you say goodbye to someone who has been long gone?
Mom had dementia. Her memory died long ago. The last time I saw her she thought I was her sister, Eunice. So, I have since felt like I lost my chance to say goodbye to her when she was able to understand.
Now her body died, too. Sort of.
She willed her remains to a medical teaching facility. So, in a way she is still out there, helping the medical field improve its knowledge of the human body.
My brother thinks it will be about six months before they finish with her body and cremate it. The cremains will be sent back to him. Then he will plan a memorial service.
Is that the time at which I am supposed to say goodbye?
Some people say no one dies as long as there anyone left that has memories of them.
Does that mean I never have to say goodbye?
TTYL,
Linda
Linda…please accept our sincerely condolences. I will keep you and Dave in my prayers for comfort.
I applause your mother for allowing medicine to learn from her. Hopefully there will be a cure for dementia one day very soon.
I never really said good bye to my mom. I just said…See you later. I know one day I will see my mom again. We won’t have the same family structure as we do here on earth, but I will know and recognize my mom and love her all the more.
So sorry for you loss. I got to say goodbye to my mother but not to my father. The hurt is still the same either way.
The memorial service will be a time to share the happy memories you have of your mother. Those are what will sustain you through it all.
I am so sorry for your loss. Toni kind of summed it up on the forum when she said the Mom you knew was already gone. Dementia takes a toll not only on the person who has it but also on everyone else around. Regardless of whether your mother knew you or not, it’s still a great loss. In your heart, you’ve already said goodbye but now comes the realization of it. Again, I’m so sorry for what you’re feeling and what you’re going through.
My condolences for your loss,
I think your post is saying you have said goodbye more then once and at the same time never really said goodby at all.
My Mom has been gone from this mortal earth for 22 years – yet I still hear her voice in my head and her smile which I see when I think – “oh Mom would have loved this” and of course when ever I get with others in the family, she is a presence in the room.
Guess what I am trying to say- is the Mom you knew will always be with you in your heart and mind and no goodbyes ever really have to occur.
Mike and I both will say prayers for you and your family in this time of passing.
I
Condolences, Linda… and I’d say saying goodbye is to the soul … I have never cared for funerals ~ how wonderful that she left her body to science.
The body is just a temporary holder. My Dad lived about 6 months or longer after he had major throat cancer surgery… it did not go well and he was a vegetable because of the hemorrhaging ~ they had to tie off whatever vein it was to his brain!
horrible horrible stuff… not for me. He was lying in recovery … looked up at the ceiling ~ raised his hand and said .. I’m happy … I’m happy … then went from there to a vegetable. I’ll never ever forget it.
I was his secondary caretaker… we had a nurse for a 6 hour shift at night. We brought him home… primarily for my Mother. I diapered my extremely conservative southern Methodist minister’s Daddy’s bottom and cleaned his treach … he would have not liked it if he had known. I found parts of my party girl worthless self that I didn’t know existed! you do what you have to do.
But? you know? he would look at me and his eyes would crinkle with a smile… didn’t know who I was but just that I was someone kind. that meant a lot. because he never liked me. he loved me but … no like.
Anyway… our relationships with our parents are really something and each of us deals with their death the way we deal with it. you know?
the loved ones who have become just vessels are gone. it’s the survivors who have to deal with the dying. as in your case, years, it seems…. interesting how we die.
I don’t mind dying … it’s the process. I just read something not too long ago about Glen Campbell written by his daughter… so sad to see someone like that just slip into … well? we’ll never know where they slip into … out of this world.. for sure
I truly don’t think we ever say goodbye to our loved ones be they family or friends or even pets. They have made such an imprint on our lives that we are different people than we would have been without them. I know that you will see your Mom again and that she will once again know who you are. I struggle with the why of the problems of old age but I also saw the changes in my Dad (good ones) when he learned to give so much of himself to take care of Mom. I am so sorry for your loss and I know how sad it feels. Know that you are in my prayers and am sending hugs your way.
Our condolences Linda.
Saying ‘Goodbye.’ Hmmmm…. We’ve lost our share of close family, friends and while we mourned them each I’m not sure I’ve ever thought of it in terms of ‘saying goodbye’. I am a man of faith, but I don’t think it’s just the knowledge that we will meet again, somehow goodbyes have never been a big thing.
When I married Peg it struck me that anytime that family went separate ways that departures always took a long time. The same expressions over and over, a step to the car, and repeat — it really confused and frustrated me.
Our family would say their goodbyes at the door, drive down the block and always, yes always wave from the car and wave from the front door or porch.
True — we have not had a family member with dementia — I can see how that might make matters very different. But I can see that I need to think about this…. I know I can be a recluse, but it gives me pause.
The complication of saying goodbye when a person’s remains have been bequeathed to medical research does make a more confusing situation for the rest of the family. It’s something Peg and I have talked about but not acted on and I’m not sure if the impact on family members might be a mitigating factor in our choice to do so or not.
God Bless….
I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort knowing your Mom is at peace, now. I know the feeling of never having the chance to say. Good bye; I love you.” But it sounds to me like you said it to your Mom many times in your life. After 9 years I’ve come to feel that I wouldn’t have wanted him to know he was leaving…saying goodbye would have been very difficult for him, not just me. I try very hard to think of “Peace”.
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!”
“Gone where?”
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: “There, she is gone!” there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout: ‘Here she comes!”
And that is dying.
Henry Van Dyke
Oh so sorry, Linda. Even though you expected it, it’s still so very sad. Saying goodbye is hard, not saying it is hard too.
I am so sorry for your loss and I can relate to your feelings because my mom also had dementia and it was so hard to see her and her not remember me or my dad. It is ok to grieve and very natural.. at least that is what Hospice told me, My husband Mark passed away May 6th from a very quick growing cancer. I am still numb and so lonely for him. We had a dream to sell our home and buy a RV and be workkampers and full timers. Sadly I will have to try to do it solo. I want to travel and live our dream. If you would like to talk to me please email me. How is it to travel solo?
I feel like he is with me in so many ways, I dreamed of my mom recently and she was healthy and looked so happy. Be good to yourself. Debbie
yes.
dearest heart.
that means you never have to say goodbye.
just carry her in your heart.
i know those are stupid cliché words.
but i mean them.
i carry my own in my heart always.
when i see something she would like.
when i hear something she might say.
when i laugh at something funny we shared.
yes.
dearest heart.
the worst kind of bad.
xoxo♥
I am so sorry for your loss.
I met your mother when you brought her along to an operating session at Tom’s.
You were working Wendover that night and had four trains when you should have had two. Had room for three. You were busy directing the trains on what to do even though they had a “better” idea. You knew what had to be done, how it should be done, and got it done.
Apparently your mother while watching this thought you were upset and stressed out and said something to you like ” I thought this was supposed to be fun” and you turned around to her with a cheshire cat grin and said “But it is, It is fun”.
My only memory of her, but you have thousands, just like I do of my departed family. As long as we keep
them they are not gone.
My deepest condolences to you, Linda. I lost my mother the same way. It is hard and sad. I think of her almost daily.
I am so sorry for your loss Linda.
You never forget the ones you have lost. You hear them in songs, you see them in pictures, and someone who was special is always in your memory!